1 00:00:00,900 --> 00:00:03,703 ♪ EVERY TIME I ZIG, YOU ZAG ♪ 2 00:00:03,803 --> 00:00:07,173 ♪ I LIKE COFFEE, TEA'S YOUR BAG ♪ 3 00:00:07,273 --> 00:00:09,175 ♪ THOUGH IT MAKES NO SENSE, IT'S TRUE ♪ 4 00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:12,312 ♪ THERE'S NO ME WITHOUT YOU ♪ 5 00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:14,914 {\an8}'TIL DEATH IS FILMED IN FRONT OF ALIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 6 00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:23,289 {\an8}[SIREN] 7 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:28,928 {\an8}[ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYING] 8 00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:33,266 {\an8}AW, CRAP. 9 00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:35,035 {\an8}[TURNS OFF MUSIC] 10 00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:38,204 {\an8}ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS. 11 00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:07,967 {\an8}AND NOW... 12 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,670 {\an8}THE STARS OF OUR SHOW. 13 00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:14,541 {\an8}MORNING. 14 00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:18,678 {\an8}HI THERE, OFFICER... 15 00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:20,613 {\an8}"MAGURSKY." 16 00:01:20,713 --> 00:01:23,349 {\an8}HEH. THAT'S A NICE NAME. 17 00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,885 {\an8}SO STRONG. YEAH. 18 00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:28,221 {\an8}YOU WERE GOING 55 IN A 30. 19 00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:29,923 {\an8}[GASPS] FAST. 20 00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,591 {\an8}LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE. 21 00:01:31,691 --> 00:01:36,029 {\an8}OK. LET ME JUST GET THOSE FOR YOU. OK. 22 00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:48,174 ARE THESE THE THINGS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? 23 00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:50,643 YEP. [SIGHS] 24 00:01:56,549 --> 00:01:58,418 WHATCHA DOIN'? 25 00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:02,555 I'M WRITING YOU A TICKET. 26 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,691 CAN YOU SEE OUT OF THOSE SUNGLASSES? 27 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,994 'CAUSE I AM CATCHING MY REFLECTION IN THERE, 28 00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:10,463 AND I AM NOT HATING IT. 29 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:13,199 I'M SEEING QUITE FINE, MA'AM. 30 00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:18,238 WHOA. 31 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:20,840 SWEET. 32 00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:24,410 HAVE A NICE DAY, SIR. 33 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:35,555 [SPORTING EVENT PLAYING ON TV] 34 00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:36,956 [DOORBELL] 35 00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:40,326 SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR. 36 00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:44,197 DO I LOOK LIKE BENSON TO YOU? 37 00:02:44,964 --> 00:02:48,001 LIL' BIT. LIL' BIT. 38 00:02:54,874 --> 00:02:55,775 EDDIE. 39 00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:57,210 TINA. 40 00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,546 I'M JUST HERE TO GET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. 41 00:02:59,646 --> 00:03:02,715 OH. KENNY, SHE'S HERE FOR CAKE. 42 00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:06,486 THAT'S MY BABY. AHH-- 43 00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:10,523 I SEE DADDY DIDN'T CLIP YOUR TOENAILS LIKE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO. 44 00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:14,360 SOMEBODY SHOULD TELL MOMMY THAT DADDY WOULD'VE CLIPPED YOUR TOENAILS 45 00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:17,096 IF MOMMY HAD PUT THE CLIPPERS IN THE BAG. 46 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,165 WELL, SOMEBODY SHOULD TELL DADDY 47 00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:22,869 THAT TOENAIL CLIPPERS ONLY COST $1.99. 48 00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:26,839 AWW. HALF OF WHAT DADDY MADE LAST YEAR. 49 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:30,176 OOH. RIGHT IN THE CHICLETS. 50 00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:31,644 COME ON, GIRL. 51 00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:33,713 LET'S LEAVE DADDY ALONE 52 00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:36,716 WITH HIS NEW BOYFRIEND. 53 00:03:36,816 --> 00:03:39,852 SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. 54 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:45,258 AT SOME POINT, YOU THOUGHT THAT SHE COMPLETED YOU? 55 00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:49,395 [DOOR SLAMS] JOY'S HOME. 56 00:03:49,495 --> 00:03:53,900 WAIT. I SENSE ANGER IN THAT DOOR SLAM. 57 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,168 [KEYS VIOLENTLY CLATTER] 58 00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:56,436 AW, SHE THREW HER KEYS. 59 00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:58,638 YEAH, SHE'S PISSED. 60 00:03:58,738 --> 00:03:59,706 [CLATTER, CLINKING] 61 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:01,007 THAT'S THE REFRIGERATOR. 62 00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:02,809 SHE'S GOIN' FOR THE WINE. 63 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,444 [CORK POPS] 64 00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:07,914 [LOUD SWALLOWS] 65 00:04:08,014 --> 00:04:10,883 OH, MY GOD. SHE'S NOT USIN' A GLASS. 66 00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,719 OK. ALL RIGHT, HERE SHE COMES. 67 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:15,555 DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT AND GET SMALL. 68 00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:18,191 HEY, HONEY. HOW WAS YOUR DAY? 69 00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:22,061 THAT IS HOW MY DAY WAS. 70 00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:23,896 A SPEEDING TICKET? 71 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:28,534 OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. 72 00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:32,272 WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IT'S A TICKET. 73 00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:34,307 I KNEW IT. 74 00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:35,475 I KNEW IT. 75 00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:39,012 WHITE PEOPLE REALLY NEVER GET PULLED OVER. 76 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:43,916 NO, NO. IT'S NOT WHITE PEOPLE. IT'S THESE WHITE PEOPLE. 77 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,419 MY ENTIRE LIFE, I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN A TICKET. 78 00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:50,189 THAT'S TRUE. WE WERE ONCE LEAVING HER OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY. 79 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,258 SHE WAS DOING 75 IN A SCHOOL ZONE, 80 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:54,661 LIGHTS OFF, AND DRAGGIN' A NATIVITY SCENE. 81 00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:57,297 HEH HEH. THE COP JUST LET HER GO. 82 00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:59,999 I KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS. 83 00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:03,703 [DRAWER RATTLES] 84 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:04,771 [DRAWER RATTLES] 85 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:06,572 WHAT YOU DOIN'? I DON'T KNOW, 86 00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:09,442 BUT I'M JUST WAITIN' TO SEE HOW THIS ALL BECOMES MY FAULT. 87 00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:10,376 [STOMPING] 88 00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,211 I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. 89 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,746 MY BRAS ARE THE PROBLEM. 90 00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:14,947 I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE. 91 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:16,482 LOOK AT 'EM. LOOKIT. LOOKIT. 92 00:05:16,582 --> 00:05:18,117 HEY-- LOOK AT THAT ONE AND THAT ONE. 93 00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:20,486 LOOKIT. THEY'RE TATTERED, AND THEY'RE TORN, 94 00:05:20,586 --> 00:05:23,189 AND THEIR WIRES ARE ALL HANGING OUT. 95 00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:24,624 LOOK AT THAT. 96 00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:26,259 AND YOU KNOW WHY? 97 00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:29,062 BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME BUY NEW, EXPENSIVE ONES. 98 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,532 THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. 99 00:05:32,632 --> 00:05:33,900 AND THERE IT IS. 100 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,702 DON'T "THERE IT IS" ME, BUDDY. 101 00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:38,438 REMEMBER WHEN I BOUGHT THAT BEAUTIFUL LACE TEDDY 102 00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:39,639 FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? 103 00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:41,007 YOU PUT YOUR GLASSES ON. 104 00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:42,475 YOU LOOKED AT THE PRICE TAG, 105 00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:43,810 AND YOU MADE ME DRIVE BACK TO THE MALL 106 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:45,211 AND RETURN IT THAT NIGHT. 107 00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:48,915 I'M NOT SPENDIN' $75 FOR 30 SECONDS OF FUN 108 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,451 UNLESS I'M BUNGEE JUMPING. 109 00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:12,739 LOOK AT HER AGAIN, AND I WILL END YOU. 110 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:17,310 HEY, YOU WERE CHECKING OUT THE GUY IN THE FOOD COURT WHO MADE YOUR PRETZEL. 111 00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:22,081 HE WAS PICKING HIS NOSE WHILE ROLLING MY PRETZEL. 112 00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:25,551 HI. CAN I HELP YOU TODAY? 113 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,556 YES. UM, I AM LOOKING FOR A NEW BRA, 114 00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,959 SOMETHING THAT'S SEXY, YET CLASSY, 115 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:36,929 SOMEWHERE BETWEEN CLUB SLUT AND ACTUAL HOOKER. 116 00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:38,064 WHAT ABOUT THIS? 117 00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:40,199 IT'S A PUSH-UP BRA WITH A GEL CURVE. 118 00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:42,135 OH, IT'S A GEL C-- LOOK AT THAT, EDDIE. 119 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,803 YEP. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GREAT. 120 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,405 GRAB 4 OF 'EM, AND LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. 121 00:06:45,505 --> 00:06:47,874 YOU CAN LOOK. I'M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING. 122 00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:49,008 NAH. I'M GOOD. 123 00:06:49,108 --> 00:06:50,009 EDDIE, COME ON. 124 00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:51,110 NO, NO. I KNOW YOUR GAMES. 125 00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:52,578 I'M NOT FALLIN' FOR IT, WOMAN. 126 00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:54,013 I WANT YOUR OPINION. 127 00:06:54,113 --> 00:06:56,182 PLENTY OF TIME TO LOOK WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND. 128 00:06:56,282 --> 00:06:57,417 JUST LOOK. 129 00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:58,918 FINE. 130 00:06:59,018 --> 00:07:00,420 WOW. 131 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,893 [GIGGLES] I'M JUST GONNA GO TRY ON THESE TEDDIES. 132 00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:09,362 OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GO IN, AND I'LL JUST WAIT HERE. 133 00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:10,863 SHOULD WE JUST GO IN TOGETHER? 134 00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:12,865 YES, PLEASE. 135 00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:21,307 HOW'S IT GOIN' IN THERE, HONEY? 136 00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:24,243 OH, THESE STRAPS KEEP SNAGGING. 137 00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:28,314 I SHOULD HAVE SHAVED MY PITS. 138 00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:31,017 Girl: CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY CLASP? 139 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,151 SURE. 140 00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:35,888 OOH! YOUR HANDS ARE SO COLD! 141 00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:37,824 YOU'RE SO TICKLISH. 142 00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:38,991 NO, YOU ARE. 143 00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:40,226 [BOTH GIGGLE] 144 00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:42,762 THERE IS NO VENTILATION IN HERE. 145 00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:46,833 I AM SWEATING LIKE A FREAKIN' MULE. 146 00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:50,336 SEXIEST MULE IN TOWN, BABY. 147 00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:52,905 OK, IMAGINE WHAT I'M WEARING NOW, 148 00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:55,741 BUT WITH LEATHER KNEE-HIGH BOOTS. 149 00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:58,478 GOT IT. 150 00:07:58,578 --> 00:08:00,913 YOU LOOK SO HOT. 151 00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:04,083 DO YOU THINK ALEX WILL LIKE THESE? 152 00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:06,586 WHY YOU GOTTA BRING ALEX INTO THIS? 153 00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:07,920 SHE WILL LOVE IT. 154 00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:11,491 AND WE'RE BACK. 155 00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:15,394 BABY, YOU GOTTA REMIND ME TO GET THIS MOLE CHECKED OUT, PLEASE. 156 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,731 OK, HONEY. I-I'LL TAKE YOU TO MY GUY. 157 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,868 HOW'D IT GO IN THERE? 158 00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:23,469 MAMA'S BACK. 159 00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:25,872 MAMA'S BACK BIG TIME. 160 00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:30,276 OH, MY GOD. I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH THAT BRA. 161 00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:32,545 EDDIE! 162 00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:42,021 I AM SO EXCITED TO PUT ON ONE OF MY NEW BRAS. 163 00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:44,557 AND I'M EXCITED TO TAKE ONE OFF. 164 00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:46,392 UP TOP. 165 00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:51,130 HEY, BE CAREFUL. THERE'S A COP UP AHEAD. 166 00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:55,334 [ACCELERATES] 167 00:08:57,570 --> 00:09:00,673 WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? 168 00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:03,509 [SIREN] 169 00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:04,677 I'M SO AFRAID. 170 00:09:04,777 --> 00:09:06,479 GET IN THE BACK SEAT AND HIDE. 171 00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,047 WHAT? 172 00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,150 SHUT UP AND GET IN THE BACK SEAT 173 00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:12,385 AND GET UNDER THAT BLANKET. 174 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:15,488 I'M NOT GETTING IN THE BACK SEAT. 175 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,327 SWEETIE, COME HERE. 176 00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:22,228 HUH? 177 00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:23,429 GET IN THE BACK SEAT! 178 00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:25,698 I'VE GOT TO TAKE MY BELT OFF, YOU MANIAC! 179 00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:27,967 HURRY UP! HURRY UP! 180 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:28,935 OHH! 181 00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:30,903 GET UNDER THAT BLANKET! 182 00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:33,139 ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME THE BRA. 183 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,740 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 184 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,610 I'M SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT WITH JOHNNY LAW. 185 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:41,514 YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET IT ON IN TIME. 186 00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:43,783 OH, YEAH? WATCH ME. 187 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,657 WELL, HELLO THERE, OFFICER. 188 00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:53,259 DAMN IT! 189 00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:54,193 [SIGHS] 190 00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:55,661 WOW. ANOTHER TICKET. 191 00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:59,865 IT'S A SAD DAY FOR WHITE PEOPLE. 192 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,104 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? 193 00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:06,238 WHAT? 194 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:07,540 YOU USED TO STARE AT MY BREASTS 195 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,308 WHEN YOU TALKED TO ME, KENNY. 196 00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:11,243 NO, I DIDN'T. 197 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,113 NO, I DIDN'T. 198 00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:18,451 I'M DOWN HERE. EYES, DOWN HERE. 199 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:24,123 GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME. 200 00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:27,159 {\an5}HONEY-- NO. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY. 201 00:10:27,259 --> 00:10:28,794 I JUST HAVE TO FACE THE FACTS. 202 00:10:28,894 --> 00:10:32,698 THE FACT IS I'M IN A-- A NEW PHASE OF MY LIFE, 203 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,433 A PHASE WHERE NO ONE NOTICES ME, 204 00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:36,736 UNLESS OF COURSE THEY'RE GIVING ME TICKETS. 205 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:39,905 HEY, I'LL WRITE YOU UP RIGHT NOW... 206 00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,141 FOR BEIN' GORGEOUS. 207 00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:44,644 HONEY, I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, 208 00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:45,845 BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT. 209 00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:48,080 I DON'T LOOK LIKE I DID WHEN I WAS 20. 210 00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:50,716 OF COURSE YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE 20. 211 00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:52,685 HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? 212 00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:54,020 I'M QUOTING YOU. 213 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,287 A-ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? 214 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,189 I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR A WHILE. 215 00:10:57,289 --> 00:11:01,027 NO, NO, NO. NO. I WANT YOU TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW. 216 00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:02,261 HOW OLD DO I LOOK? 217 00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:04,764 10. YOU LOOK 10 YEARS OLD. 218 00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:08,234 EDDIE, I'M SERIOUS. 219 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,437 OK, 35. 220 00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:13,806 MINUS 25, 221 00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:17,543 WHICH PUTS US BACK TO 10. 222 00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:19,145 I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. 223 00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:23,716 IF I AM NOT SEXY JOY WHO CAN GET OUT OF SPEEDING TICKETS 224 00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:26,185 WITH HER INAPPROPRIATE BLOUSES AND BIG BOOBS, 225 00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:28,721 THEN WHO AM I? 226 00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:30,823 HONEY, LOOK AT ME. 227 00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:32,558 I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE. 228 00:11:32,658 --> 00:11:35,828 YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO ME, 229 00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:37,396 ALL RIGHT, AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. 230 00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:39,999 SHUT UP, OLD MAN. 231 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,842 [DOORBELL] 232 00:11:55,114 --> 00:11:56,982 COME IN. 233 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:03,022 UM, I'M JUST HERE TO DROP OFF BEYONCE. 234 00:12:03,122 --> 00:12:05,624 KENNY'S NOT HERE. PUT HER ANYWHERE. 235 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,960 I'LL TRY NOT TO EAT HER. 236 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,496 UH, DON'T YOU HAVE A JOB? 237 00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:12,832 I CALLED IN OLD. 238 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,036 ARE YOU OK? 239 00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:18,637 YEAH, I'M FINE. WHY? 240 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:22,274 UH, YOUR BOOBS LOOK LIKE THE FLOOR OF A MOVIE THEATER. 241 00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:26,278 YEAH. THEY KINDA DO. 242 00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:30,883 OK. UM, IF YOU SEE KENNY, 243 00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:33,018 TELL HIM I SAID, "BITE ME." 244 00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:35,855 HE'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. 245 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:41,961 TINA, I GOT A SPEEDING TICKET YESTERDAY. 246 00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:44,430 I'VE NEVER GOT ONE BEFORE. 247 00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:47,900 WELL, DID YOU SHOW THE COP--[MUTTERS] 248 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,770 I PRACTICALLY GAVE HIM A LAP DANCE. 249 00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:52,104 MAYBE THE COP WAS GAY. 250 00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:53,372 WELL, THEN HIS LIFE PARTNER 251 00:12:53,472 --> 00:12:55,474 GAVE ME ANOTHER ONE 2 HOURS LATER. 252 00:12:55,574 --> 00:12:57,943 I DON'T CARE WHAT A COP SAYS. 253 00:12:58,043 --> 00:13:00,479 YOU GOT IT GOIN' ON. 254 00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:02,047 THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU, 255 00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:04,517 I WANTED TO KNOCK YOU OUT, CUT YOUR HAIR OFF, 256 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,586 AND WEAVE IT INTO MINE. 257 00:13:07,686 --> 00:13:11,423 I DO HAVE SPECTACULAR HAIR. 258 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,825 IT'S NOT THE PROBLEM, THOUGH. 259 00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:15,561 IT'S THE REST OF ME THAT IS THE PROBLEM. 260 00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:17,863 I'M OFFICIALLY OFF THE HOT GRID. 261 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:20,266 OH, NO, GIRL. YOU ARE HOT. 262 00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:23,903 YOU ARE--UNH. TSSST. 263 00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:25,538 YOU ARE AS HOT AS YOU WANNA BE, 264 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,906 AND IF YOU DON'T FEEL HOT, 265 00:13:27,006 --> 00:13:28,707 THEN YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHIN' ABOUT IT. 266 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,643 YEAH, WELL, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY. 267 00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,511 YOU CHANGED YOUR WHOLE LIFE. WHAT'D YOU-- 268 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:34,180 YOU LOST 90 POUNDS IN 6 MONTHS. 269 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,981 I'M NOT AS DISCIPLINED AS YOU ARE. 270 00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:38,450 THE ONLY TIME I'VE BEEN TO MY GYM IN THE LAST YEAR 271 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,753 WAS TO STEAL TAMPONS. 272 00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:41,854 MMM. THAT'S CRAZY. 273 00:13:41,954 --> 00:13:44,490 WHAT'D YOU DO? YOU RAN EVERY DAY, HUH? 274 00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:45,691 UH, YEAH. 275 00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:48,194 SWIMMING? PILATES? 276 00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:50,262 OK. 277 00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:52,731 DID YOU CUT OUT CARBS? 278 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:57,203 UH, IT WAS A LITTLE BIT OF CUTTING OUT CARBS. 279 00:13:57,303 --> 00:14:01,607 BUT MOSTLY SUCKIN' OUT MY STOMACH WITH A HOSE. 280 00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:03,209 NO WAY. 281 00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:04,677 YES, WAY. 282 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:07,580 GIRL, IT'S AMAZING WHAT THEY CAN DO. 283 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,081 THESE... 284 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:12,284 USED TO BE ON MY BACK. 285 00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:17,790 WHAT'S UP, MAN? 286 00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:18,991 LOST YOUR KEYS? 287 00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:20,025 NO. 288 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:22,094 TAKIN' A FART WALK? 289 00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:24,263 THAT'S WHAT YOU DOIN'. HA HA. 290 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:25,731 I BEEN MARRIED 20 YEARS. 291 00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:27,733 I DO MY FARTIN' IN THE HOUSE. 292 00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:29,902 IT'S JUST THAT I'M AFRAID TO GO INSIDE, 293 00:14:30,002 --> 00:14:31,737 BECAUSE WHEN I LEFT FOR WORK THIS MORNING, 294 00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,505 JOY WAS ALL ANGRY ABOUT HER AGE, 295 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:36,675 AND THE ONLY THING THAT'S CHANGED SINCE THEN IS SHE'S 8 HOURS OLDER. 296 00:14:36,775 --> 00:14:39,478 SHE'S STILL UPSET ABOUT THAT SPEEDING TICKET, HUH? 297 00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,013 I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO TO ANYMORE. 298 00:14:41,113 --> 00:14:42,281 WHATEVER I SAY DOESN'T MATTER. 299 00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,416 SHE ONLY CARES ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. 300 00:14:44,516 --> 00:14:46,418 I FEEL YOU, MAN. 301 00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:49,021 WANT ME TO HIT ON HER? 302 00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:51,957 JUST SAY THE WORD, MAN. 303 00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,993 I'LL TAKE IT AS FAR AS YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT. 304 00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:59,131 TELL YOU WHAT. LET'S LEAVE YOU MAKIN' LOVE TO MY WIFE IN OUR BACK POCKETS. 305 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:03,202 OK. YOU GOTTA GO IN THERE AND FACE THE MUSIC, RIGHT? 306 00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:04,870 HMM. FIX YOUR FACE. 307 00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:07,006 MAN UP. 308 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:12,578 HEY. 309 00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:15,281 HELLO, JOY. YOU LOOK WELL TODAY. 310 00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:17,816 HOW ARE YOU? 311 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:26,158 HEY, BABY. HI. 312 00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:27,393 HOW WAS YOUR DAY? 313 00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:30,963 GREAT. I'M GETTING PLASTIC SURGERY. 314 00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:33,098 WHAT? WHY? 315 00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:36,035 NOTHING MAJOR. JUST A LITTLE LIFT HERE, A LITTLE TUCK THERE, 316 00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:37,403 MAYBE SOME BOTOX. 317 00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:39,038 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 318 00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:41,540 HONEY, I--I LOVE THOSE LITTLE LINES IN YOUR FOREHEAD 319 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,076 THAT I CAN'T SEE, THAT DON'T EVEN-- 320 00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:46,812 10! YOU LOOK 10 YEARS OLD. 321 00:15:46,912 --> 00:15:50,749 ALL RIGHT, I--ARE YOU SURE YOU REALLY WANNA DO THIS? 322 00:15:50,849 --> 00:15:52,251 IT'S NOT JUST FOR RICH PEOPLE. 323 00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:53,953 NORMAL PEOPLE ARE DOING IT, TOO. 324 00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:55,020 YOU KNOW MY FRIEND ROBERTA? 325 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,355 SHE JUST HAD HER BOOBS DONE. 326 00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,123 NOW SHE GOES BOUNCING DOWN THE STREET 327 00:15:58,223 --> 00:16:00,526 WITH A WHITE TANK TOP AND NO BRA. 328 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:01,994 HAVE YOU NOTICED HER? 329 00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:04,063 NO. 330 00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,598 EDDIE, I'VE SEEN YOU STARING AT HER. 331 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,534 I'M PART OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH, JOY. 332 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,270 EVERYONE'S A SUSPECT. 333 00:16:14,206 --> 00:16:17,176 LOOK, WE'RE--WE'RE NOT PLASTIC SURGERY PEOPLE, JOY. 334 00:16:17,276 --> 00:16:21,013 WE'RE LASER HAIR REMOVAL PEOPLE AT BEST. I MEAN, 335 00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:24,750 LOOK, HONEY, I WANNA GROW OLD WITH YOU NATURALLY. 336 00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:29,722 WE WILL GROW OLD ON THE INSIDE. 337 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,690 LISTEN, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. 338 00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,592 IT IS-- IT IS EASIER FOR MEN. 339 00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:35,127 YOU GET A LITTLE OLDER, 340 00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:37,997 YOU GET MORE SOPHISTICATED, MORE DISTINGUISHED. 341 00:16:38,097 --> 00:16:41,667 I MEAN, NOT YOU, BUT MEN. 342 00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:43,502 OK, LET ME LAY A LITTLE BIOLOGY ON YOU. 343 00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:46,038 WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU'RE HOT, AND THEN YOU GET OLD. 344 00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:51,010 NO! AGE IS SOMETHING THAT YOU FIGHT. 345 00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:53,212 LISTEN, I--I HAVE A CONSULTATION TOMORROW, 346 00:16:53,312 --> 00:16:54,480 AND I WANT YOU TO MEET ME THERE, 347 00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,281 AND I NEED YOUR SUPPORT ON THIS. 348 00:16:56,382 --> 00:16:57,616 YOU REALLY WANNA DO THIS? 349 00:16:57,716 --> 00:16:59,218 I REALLY DO. 350 00:16:59,318 --> 00:17:01,153 ALL RIGHT, F-FINE, BUT LISTEN. 351 00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:02,721 I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING, 352 00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:04,957 AND I AM BEING TOTALLY SINCERE HERE. 353 00:17:05,057 --> 00:17:07,593 I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, OK, 354 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:11,330 WITH EVERY LINE ON YOUR FACE, WITH EVERY IMPERFECTION. 355 00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:13,265 IT JUST MAKES ME ADORE YOU MORE. 356 00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:16,969 IT REMINDS ME OF THE--THE LIFE WE SPENT TOGETHER 357 00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:21,273 AND WHERE WE'RE HEADED TOGETHER. 358 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:26,078 HOW BIG DO YOU THINK MY LOWER LIP SHOULD BE? 359 00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:34,420 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 360 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,487 DR. PATEL. 361 00:17:35,587 --> 00:17:36,555 YES. 362 00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:37,790 HI. UM, I-I'M EDDIE STARK, 363 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,792 AND, UH, MY WIFE IS GONNA BE HERE 364 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,894 IN A FEW MINUTES FOR A CONSULTATION, 365 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,762 AND I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU, 366 00:17:43,862 --> 00:17:45,798 BECAUSE I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED, BECAUSE-- 367 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:46,899 I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND. 368 00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,834 A LOT OF HUSBANDS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE 369 00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:50,803 WITH ME HANDLING THEIR WIVES' BREASTS. 370 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,839 OH, NO, NO. THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL. 371 00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:55,207 YOU GO TO TOWN. 372 00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:57,076 WE'RE TALKIN' JUST HANDS, RIGHT? 373 00:17:57,176 --> 00:17:59,545 THIS IS ACTUALLY MY FREE TIME, SO I-- 374 00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:01,613 RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, AND I RESPECT THAT. 375 00:18:01,713 --> 00:18:04,450 SEE, HERE'S THE THING. MY WIFE IS A-- 376 00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:05,884 IS A--A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, 377 00:18:05,984 --> 00:18:07,386 BUT SHE'S GOIN' THROUGH SOME EMOTIONAL STUFF, 378 00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:12,057 SO I NEED YOU TO KIND OF TALK HER OUT OF ALL THIS. 379 00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:13,892 I'M REALLY JUST HERE TO PRESENT OPTIONS 380 00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:16,595 AND LET MY PATIENTS MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS. 381 00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:17,963 UH-HUH. UH-HUH. 382 00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:21,567 OK, LET ME COME AT THIS FROM ANOTHER ANGLE. 383 00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:26,338 THERE'S VERY LITTLE CHANCE I WILL BE ABLE TO PAY YOU. 384 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,974 OK, I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH YOU. 385 00:18:29,074 --> 00:18:32,277 LAST WEEK, I STOLE GAS. 386 00:18:32,377 --> 00:18:34,313 WE HAVE SEVERAL PAYMENT PLANS. 387 00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:38,917 TO BE HONEST, WHAT WE DO HERE ISN'T NECESSARILY THAT DRASTIC. 388 00:18:39,017 --> 00:18:41,019 FOR INSTANCE, FOR LESS THAN YOU THINK, 389 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,523 I COULD GIVE YOU CHRISTIAN BALE'S CHEEKBONES. 390 00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:47,025 I'D RATHER HAVE HIS WALLET AND CHARISMA. 391 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,594 [LAUGHS] 392 00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:51,497 I-I'M BROKE AND UNPOPULAR. 393 00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:55,067 HI. I'M JOY STARK, 394 00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,035 AND I'M HERE TO SEE DR. PATEL 395 00:18:57,136 --> 00:19:01,240 ABOUT GETTING A MOP AROUND THIS MESS. 396 00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:08,046 [SIGHS] 397 00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:15,454 YOU WERE RIGHT, JOY. 398 00:19:15,554 --> 00:19:17,222 WE CAN BE YOUNGER. 399 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:19,558 WE CAN TURN BACK THE CLOCK. 400 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,994 I CAN BE BEAUTIFUL AGAIN. 401 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,829 WHAT? 402 00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:27,733 YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU WANTED TO SLEEP WITH JOHN STAMOS. 403 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:31,436 WELL, HERE I COME, BABY. 404 00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:32,871 OH, MY GOD. 405 00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:40,279 HEY, I'M SORRY I LOST MY MIND IN THERE. I... 406 00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:45,951 GUESS I GOT ALL SWEPT UP IN THE STAMOS OF IT ALL. 407 00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:47,653 NAH. MY FAULT. 408 00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,788 EVEN AS I WAS DRIVING OVER HERE, 409 00:19:49,888 --> 00:19:52,457 I REALIZED THAT THIS ISN'T WHO I AM. 410 00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:56,028 I MEAN, SO I CAN'T GET OUT OF A SPEEDING TICKET? 411 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,931 YOU KNOW, I'LL GET OVER IT. 412 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,733 WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK? 413 00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:03,535 [CLEARS THROAT] 414 00:20:03,635 --> 00:20:06,471 THAT'LL BE, UH, $5.25. 415 00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:12,010 OK. 5. I HAVE A QUARTER IN HERE SOMEWHERE 416 00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:14,346 DO YOU HAVE A QUARTER? 417 00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:17,082 YOU KNOW WHAT? 418 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:19,952 LET'S JUST CALL IT 5. 419 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:24,423 REALLY? 420 00:20:25,457 --> 00:20:27,359 WE'RE GONNA CALL IT 5? 421 00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:30,929 GONNA CALL IT 5. [LAUGHS] 422 00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:33,398 {\an8}DID YOU HEAR THAT, PEOPLE? 423 00:20:33,498 --> 00:20:37,135 {\an8}WE ARE GONNA CALL IT 5, BECAUSE... 424 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,771 {\an8}HE LIKES WHAT HE SEES. 425 00:20:39,871 --> 00:20:42,107 {\an8}YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, GUS? 426 00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,076 {\an8}OH, YEAH. UHH. 427 00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:49,314 {\an8}THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE GONNA CALL IT 5, PEOPLE! 428 00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:52,050 {\an8}AW, I AM BACK. 429 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:02,861 {\an8}[CHEERING]